At this time of year the internet is saturated with inane recycled stories on how not to gain weight over the festive season. They are generally chock full of helpful and fun advice like ‘eat before you go to the party’ and ‘don’t drink alcohol’. They tell you to TREAT YO SELF with indulgences like vegie sticks and hummus and sparkling water.

Anyway, I’ve chosen some of the most ridiculous advice and compiled a list for you to enjoy:

Number 1

Coming in at number 1 is this stellar advice from Body + Soul:

‘Next time you are at a party, pay attention to the thin partygoers compared to the overweight ones. Generally, slim individuals are pickier when it comes to food choices.’

I guarantee this is the fastest way to ensure you become the freak-that-won’t-stop-staring-at-people-eating partygoer. There are many things I enjoy doing at parties, like talking to people, laughing, perhaps dancing. Standing in the corner with a fixated stare on the food table, judging any pour soul who dares to pick up a party pie doesn’t quite make the list. Also some thin people I know are the fattiest eaters on the planet. You lose Body + Soul.

Number 2

Then there’s this gold nugget from The Guardian at number 2

‘You don’t have to eat mince pies to have a good time. Enjoy the company of friends and family you don’t see often enough, dance at the work ’do’, play games with the children…’

Way to tell me how to live my life. I actually do need to eat mince pies to have a good time, just like I need popcorn to enjoy the movies and big cake to top off a birthday party. Trying to disassociate food from an event intrinsically linked to eating is a pointless exercise. Also I don’t have children, I dance at the office almost every day and once a year is frequent enough for most extended family members…

Number 3

At number 3 Calorie King has the helpful advice ‘Don’t go hungry’ alongside this charming anecdote:

‘It’s lunchtime. Sandy has just finished a delicious grilled vegetable sandwich, a bottle of sparkling mineral water, an apricot yoghurt and a fresh fruit salad. She also had eggs on whole-grain toast for breakfast. Natalie had a cup of black coffee for breakfast, and an apple for lunch. Which one is more likely to snack on treats this afternoon?’

There’s nothing like food shaming poor Natalie to get your point across. Also, it’s Christmas, I doubt people who are worried about putting weight on at Christmas are going hungry. Also, Sandy sounds like an insufferable git.

Number 4

Coming in at number 4 is The Biggest Loser Club with the recommendation to approach festive social gatherings with the guile of a fascist dictator.

‘“My advice is to exercise control and delegate when you are arranging your own get-togethers and barbecues. Tell your guests which plates of healthy goodies you’d like them to bring to make for a healthier feast.”’

In my experience, people really love being told what to do. And being told to bring a round of protein shakes or a platter of egg white omelettes to a party will no doubt make the Yuletide gay.

Number 5

And finally, there’s this confusing advice from Zest:

‘If everyone brings in Christmas goodies to share, make your contribution festive satsumas, and EAT THEM rather than the high-calorie communal chocolate and mince pies.’

WTF is a satsuma?

My advice

This is going to sound deeply hypocritical given I recently linked my inability to absorb the Christmas spirit to the gain of a few extra kilos, but just eat, drink and be merry and worry about everything else later. The end.