It’s a concept as old as time, one man and his concubines engage in a range of social niceties until one by one the concubines are killed voted off until one is left to claim her prize.

Yesterday I was struck with a bout of bloggers’ block and so I asked the Facebook world what to write about. Prue suggested I put all feminist values aside and blog about the The Bachelor, which is on air at the moment.

I was hesitant, because I knew nothing from my brain would match the wit and hilarity of Rosie Waterland’s weekly Bachelor recaps on Mamamia. But, nevertheless, I shall give it a good old fashioned try. Now I did watch the very first episode of The Bachelor, but I haven’t been back since. So I had some background but was pretty much going in fresh.

Here are the things that baffled me the most:

THE SHOW BEGINS

1. Now, remembering that I’m putting my feminist values on ice for the moment… Are none of the girls allowed to leave the house to have their roots touched up?! For a dating show based purely on looks there are some very dull part lines hanging around…

2. Louise (the one with the worst roots) is going on a one-on-one date with The Bachelor. Like me you might be confused and think all dates are one-on-one. No. These ladies are used to ‘group dates’ not unlike those taking place in polygamist Mormon sects. The baffling thing here is that the other girls are regarding Louise with equal parts disdain and maid of honour style glee. One moment they are squealing and helping her get ready, but then they watch her from the balcony, staring daggers as she leaves on her super yacht date with Bachelor Blake. Such mixed emotions. So complex. So many split personalities. They are also under the impression that Blake plans the solo dates, PAH!

3. One of the brunettes (Chantal?) is saying there is no way bad-roots Louise will end up with the Bachelor because she’s always wearing red lipstick. “Everyone knows men don’t like red lipstick”. I think the words “danger zone” are also thrown in. Whatever you need to tell yourself, Chantal! Pretty sure I wear red lipstick AND have a boyfriend.

4. Speaking of boyfriends, who would actually want to end up with Blake? Sure he’s nice enough and decent looking, but he seems to completely lack personality. Also, he’s a former hen’s night stripper! Bit hard to introduce to the folks. Especially if he’s given your mum a lap dance before. Apparently Blake was quoted in Woman’s Day as saying he’s not ashamed of his stripper past, in which case he won’t mind me sharing this photo:

What. A. Catch.

 This was taken at a hen’s night my housemate Bec went to. I also have two other friends with similar photos from other hens’ nights. Western Australia obviously has a very small market for hen’s night strippers.

INTRUDERS ARE INTRODUCED

5. Six new woman are introduced to the mix and the nine ‘original’ girls start collectively losing their sh*t. There are tears, swearing and detached retina inducing eye rolls. I haven’t seen such devastation among dating show contestants since the final episode of There’s Something About Miriam in 2004, when the dudes found out the exotic woman whose love they had been vying for was actually a pre-op transsexual (now there’s a plot twist).

What baffles me here is that a) the girls seem to have completely forgotten there are cameras there to capture their childish behaviour and b) they can’t seem to grasp that the new girls would have been through exactly the same casting process at exactly the same time as them! That the producers chose to keep them quiet and introduce them a few weeks in, is no fault of theirs. But no, the girls are ‘devastated’, their ‘trust has been broken’ and Canadian Amber feels like she has ‘depreciated in value’?! Not sure at this stage if Amber is a commodity or a Fortune 500 company.

6. Amber runs upstairs to cry and roll her eyes some more in the girls’ quarters and the cameras chase her upstairs. Here we see a dingy hallway and dorm rooms akin to the dodgiest backpackers hostel you’ve ever stayed in. Very telling. Clearly the entire renovation budget was spent downstairs on fancy wallpaper and excessive light fittings. It’s a nice metaphor for the entire ‘smoke and mirrors’ value of the show’s contestants.

7. Things are tense at the rose ceremony. This is the part when the Bachelor announces which broad he wants to keep around a little longer and hands her a rose. Amber, who’s back downstairs now, decides not at accept the rose and runs out. Embarassingly, she returns about 3 minutes later hand-in-hand with Blake, a cat-that-got-the-cream expression plastered across her tear stained face. Is she not aware the entire nation is now convinced she is bat sh*t insane, or does she not care? Maybe we’ll find out next week. But I doubt it.

Do you watch inane reality television? The Bachelor?