Every Sunday, I await with glee the arrival of The Sunday Age newspaper for one reason only: Sunday Life magazine. This is a ritual of visual and voyeuristic fantasy and pleasure: features on people whose fabulous lives I will never myself lead, recipes I will never have the patience to find the ingredients for, clothes I will never be able to afford and home wares I will never be ‘edgy’ (or rich) enough for. There are also some clever and witty columns I actually do enjoy (Mia Freedman, Sarah Wilson).

One of my favourite sections is without a doubt: My day on a plate. This is where c-list ‘celebrities’ (often news readers with crazy schedules) lie about all the fabulous things they eat on an average day and a nutritionist makes thoughtfully dull comments like ‘I’d like to see some more protein, perhaps introduce some organic silken tofu?’. I particularly love when contributors boast about the on-trend foods they consume like acai and goji berries, quinoa and fruits like figs (see above) that are so beyond us normal people.

So I thought I would write ‘My [realistic] day on a plate’ to counteract Deborah Knight’s ‘nutritional winner’ of a diet with my real, non-sugar coated (except for the hot jam donut) and much less healthy diet from yesterday.

9:00am piece of toast with avocado smeared on top & a cup of tea (here, the nutritionist would applaud my use of a ‘healthy fat’, but don’t worry there are plenty of unhealthy fats to come!)

10:00am at the Camberwell Market I fall mercy to the van that sells hot jam donuts and enjoy one delicious ball of highly processed, starchy white dough, deep fried and filled with bright red jam, then covered in sugar. A nutritionist’s delight.

2:00pm returning home after shopping I’m ravenous and reach for the 3 mouthfuls of thai curry and rice I saved from the takeaway the night before (no matter how little left, I can never bring myself to throw-out takeaway leftovers). Left totally unsatisfied I have 2 pieces of toast with pesto, philadelphia cream cheese and sliced tomatoes.

5:30pm woken by the jam donut earlier my sweet tooth is calling out again and I reach into the freezer and have a mug of coffee grande ice cream with ice magic topping (I like to fool myself into believing a mug is a much smaller ice cream vessel than a bowl) followed by another mug of cookies and cream ice cream. Now I feel sick and don’t eat for the rest of the day/night.

This is a pretty drastic day for me in terms of eating. I do usually eat fruit. But not figs like Deborah Knight. The last time I had a fig it was caramelised atop a slice of fried cheese at Hellenic Republic. The thing that really gets me about Deborah’s diet is her dessert of ‘a small bowl of light Greek yoghurt’. It’s pretty sad when you confuse a curry condiment with dessert. Someone please hand Deborah a mug of ice cream stat.